Friday, December 5, 2025
Friday, August 16, 2024
4-15-2021 - Random
Another night alone in my bed
I wish I could find somewhere to rest my head
All the while thoughts of you running wild
In my heart and mind like a lovesick child
The strength in your touch the warmth in your breath
Who knows how many days I have left
I long for moments when leaving imprints of love on you with my lips
The trails of fire left beneath your fingertips
My heart racing as your grasp tightens
Pulling me closer as my senses heightens
Then from the night the soft chime echos in the wind
Letting me know that I'm alone again
9-12-2023 - Letter to my family
If you please, close your eyes and think back to a time of pure joy. While I don't want to diminish weddings or births if you though of something like that please try again. This time think of the last time you experienced a pure joy that can only be obtained by pure ignorance. Back before we knew about the cost of living. Back before loss and heartaches. Back before hate and hurtfulness. How old were you? Now, I would like you to try a little exercise, no not the kind that involves physical exertion, I would like for you to turn to those closest to you and ask them. Perhaps a wife or husband, siblings or a friend and truly listen to their answer. Some of us can recall the memory faster than others as perhaps this joy was something still obtainable by a teenager, while others may have a difficult time with this as they need to look farther back to single digits. By no means does this mean some are more privileged or even more ignorant than others, its all subjective. However a small memory such as this placed in this context can allow someone to see the person in a new light. Now what if I told you my experience was one that I cannot remember, could you believe me? For some people they say its impossible to remember anything before a certain age and others dispute that with their own memories. Are you able to recall your first memory of consciousness? Are you able to bring back memories from single digits age?
The reason for me asking these things is I would like to share with you my first memories, and if you will allow more. I have very few memories of pure joy, the kind I spoke of before. You have to first understand I was born into a broken family,while yes the common terminology would be broken home the sad truth of it is my entire family is broken. I have very small snip-its of happy moments when I was around the age of three perhaps four. I am not here to dispute the scientific aspects on if this is possible or not but that this is my truth. The theory I have is that those that have that pure joy ripped from them as such a young age may be capable of remembering things around that time. That the brain is slowly picking up on the chaos around them as the pure ignorance of childhood is slowly and painfully ripped from them. Again this is just my truth, I have in no way studied any of this or compared to others in any way,but maybe it could be a thought you carry with you when you think of your memories or ask others about theirs.
So now onto why I feel it is important to share my experience with others. It is quite simple really, we need to do better as humans. There are so many races, religions or beliefs and flow a brief moment in my assistance it seemed that humans as a whole were following the Golden rule. Do unto others as you would want them to do unto to you. Once upon a time it felt like humans helped one another despite who they were helping. It didn't mater your status in the world, what language they spoke, the color of their skin or beliefs. I have slowly found myself pulling farther away from the outside world more and more as all of this hate comes to the surface. Now you maybe asking yourself why a stranger has sent you a letter talking you you about this rather than going and doing something about it. Well if I must be honest I feel thar sometimes the biggest changes can happen with just a few seeds planted. If you read this letter and you can agree with anything in my message you can be the change. Perhaps with you making the smallest change in your day to day life you can also be the change that someone else needs to make a change.
So you may be asking yourself what is my personal message that I want to share with a stranger? What memory or story do I deem so important to get out that I would send it to you? From an extremely young age it was explained to me that "money doesn't grow on trees", while yes a very good thing to teach a child I could have done without the force behind it. I found that I didn't quite enjoy things like others my age because I was to worried bout if there was enough money to enjoy that moment. Was it okay to ask for change to get an icecream from the truck in the summer heat with my friends or will that mean I won't get supper. By no means did that ever happen my mother made sure I had what I needed, but now you can see the stress it could cause if explained poorly. This stems from the broken home part, not the broken family, as my parents split up when I was very young. While this is a very adult thing that happened it did cause significant issues for me as a child. Without proper mental health care I was doomed to have issues every step of my journey. Not only should we as humans think about others and take them into consideration, but we need to remember to extend those same values and principals to our own families. We can sometimes forget that not only are our loved ones just humans too but little ears hear more than you realize and they really are like a sponge and absorb so much. For example being told in passing that your father is disgusting because he was cheating on your mother with your Aunt, at least they weren't blood related. You see this is why adult conversations need to stay adult conversations and if you are even within fifteen feet of a child even through walls, stairs or closed doors they could hear and retain that information.
Now its during this portion of my life that I begin to have difficulty recalling things. This is due to not mentally being able to handle things at such a young age so my brain basically shut off. Not in the sense of say a coma but very close, it is what is now been renamed to DID. I'm not here to go over my medical issues but it is a very real thing and it leaves holes in your life that you may never be able to recover.Think of it like your refrigerator still working in perfect condition but you have no light when the door opens. I was able to still be me and function in day to day life but there is just something stopping me from seeing those memories inside. With time you may be able to work though those blocks to remember bits or sometimes all of those things, but it isn't really worth it. Your brain is a wonderful thing and is capable of protecting you in ways like this out of survival so why try and remember something your brain would want you not to experience. Unfortunately growing up with large chunks missing out of ones life can leave the person feeling like they haven't lived and experienced life to match their age. So while someone may be around forty years of age they may have memories for thirty of those years. As people with this issue grow older some family members and friends can apply pressure onto them and try to make them remember things out of pur curiosity or cruelty. While ones friends may not understand how you can just have no memory of what happened and just be questioning how it happens these small inquires of curiosity could trigger memories to break through. While that persons family, especially older members, should have some idea of what was going on in life during those times just are being hurtful trying to make you remember memories that you have blocked for good reason.
Jan 5, 2024 - Attention
From my personal experience:
Our men join the military are broken mentally, physically and emotionally so that we may live free. They return to us a shell of what they were and are left trying to make sense of life. The very same citizens that they enlisted to protect treat them poorly. While the system set up for them seems to set them up for failure.
I understand each individual is different and they have to heal/process in their own ways, after growing and being around family and friends that have served something feels off. The difference between elder generations and newer generations of military recovery after service seems drastically different. Perhaps it was because I was much younger as protected from the seriousness of it all and now that I am older I can see it first hand. However I don't recall so much emphasis on suicide as there is now.
On one hand I understand needing to talk about it because if their mind is on that path it is important to recognize it and try their best to prevent it. Then on the other hand it feels as if it is spoon fed to them before they are even out of service, and then shoved in their face so often that how can then not think of it as an option?
I hate to think of our government trying to perhaps lessen the cost associated with the care for our military post service by spoon feeding them an option that could be seen as an ends to justify their means. I am proud to be an American, I have pride for all those that have served and will serve and I even tried to serve but due to medical issues had been turned away. Still there's that voice in the back of my head saying could something have been handled differently that could save them? I have struggled with suicidal thoughts as early as five (5) years old, and the few times I've attempted have been times in my life where it was more abundance around me. Be it music, movies, news, etc. the more it was brought up the more in the back of my mind I saw it as the answer. Could this thought be planted early?
The thought of not having a purpose after the military is something many face and it can cause severe depression and many other mental struggles. As I stated perhaps it's the sheltered view when I was younger or perhaps it's the area and what is available here. I feel if you're constantly reminded of an easy way to solve a problem no matter how permanent the solution is and how temporary the problem is you're going to eventually fold.
I don't have a solution. I just have a demon asking questions and a well that is empty. That's all.
Friday, June 17, 2022
Bad Guys Always Win
Possible Trigger Warning: Abuse, S** Abuse, Grooming, Death/Suicide
I can't believe that it took me this long to realize that the bad guy always wins, it's not like the movies. My entire life I kept trying to convince myself that everything I have lived through is just my karma, I must have done something so bad that I just had all of this bad stuff happening to me.
I'll do a run-down as it is important just to set the stage to my realization of this recently.
Age 4 : Father left, being older I know it isn't my fault now but I was told it was my fault because he wanted a boy and I was born a girl. My sister always drilled this into my head and was very cruel to me growing up because of this. Some memories are hard to remember but one that I uncovered and inquired if it was true, and no answer was given just a shocked look, It is flashes of my parents room, my cousin and I. I remember playing like house or something and then I remember I was naked as so was she. I remember hearing that this is what people do when they love each other, and she was on her belly on the ground and I was told to lay on top of her. That's all I could recall and I honestly didn't want to recall anymore.
Age 5/6 : Mother started dating and going out to bars and met her now husband, we technically met him when I was closer to 4 1/2, my sister and I were passed on to our grandparents. After of course our mother warning us to NOT get close to our grandfather because he molested her when she was a child. In living with them, they are Jehovah Witnesses, we were told our mother lies to us and does it to benefit herself, all holidays are horrible things and sins, it's all fake and devil worship.
Age7: Mother came back to get us, bribed us with a kitten. We move back in with her and her new boyfriend, this is when most of my memory becomes foggy or non existent. I have been trying to slowly work through and recover memories over time. We moved into a new apartment, I was getting very ill every night to the point I wasn't sleeping and I would vomit everything up every single night just shortly after getting in bed for the night. I would also have dreams of death, mostly about myself dying few about others and this would slowly become night terrors and I would wake up screaming, and then getting sick. This was the first time I tried to comit suicide, didn't understand how to figured I could crack my head open and it would be so easy because all the warnings about wearing a helmet ect. All I got was a long dent in my skull that now goes from my eyebrow to past my hairline. My mother was in the next room over and never came to check on me even though there were loud bangs happening. It wasn't long until my mother sent us back to live with our grandparents. Somewhere during this time both of my cousins would subject me to porn, they would make me watch it with them. Not at the same time, different occasions. Both are females, and the elder of the two would force me to do really odd stuff like drink from a baby bottle and "Play house" with her where she was the male. Not going farther into that.
Age ? It was Jr. High : We were back living with my mother and her boyfriend, new apartment. Growing up with my grandparents their religion teaches that you date for marriage not for anything else. So basically you stay friends with everyone and get to know one another before dating because whoever you dated you were expected to marry. I had that in mind when looking for someone. At the start I was looking for all the right things, unfortunately that would change quickly. It was during this time my mothers boyfriend would start grooming me and then sexually abusing me, telling me not to say anything or he would leave and my mother, sister and myself would be living on the streets. Mom got cancer, abuse stopped, for a little while. When he tried to start again when she was just starting to get sick I panicked and tried to tell her, "He didn't say that you misheard him because you were in the truck. I don't need this right now." I understand she was sick but she should have protected me. I can't recall if the abuse stopped or started again, it's a blank slate and I haven't wanted to recall it honestly. I just know it changed my opinion on dating to finding the right guy to finding the one that could save me and get me out of the house fastest.
Age 15 : Started dating the nice nerd that my mother liked because he was polite and acted like he had money, should have been my first red flag. He was older then me and forced me into having sex. our entire relationship I would have to have sex with him whenever he wanted it, he would also mentaly and verbaly abuse me every day. He kept up the, I have money in a trust like $10,000 - $20,000 and that he was still going to marry me because I had sex with him when he knew I didn't want to. I knew rather early he was bullshitting on all counts when I found him cheating on me. I stayed with him for 3 years because part of me felt I had too and most of me was broken at this point. A second attemt of suicide was around this time, again not knowing what I was doing I slept for a long time.
Age 17: I met the one. Long story short he was a little younger than me and had dreams of traveling, becoming a chef, ect. All things I wasn't able to give him. I knew he felt the same about me but I wanted him to succeed in life and accomplish everything he wanted. We stayed friends and when the time came that he asked me for advice I told him to go. A day hadn't gone by that I didn't think of him or hurt inside.
2006 : Miscaraige
2007 : Married
Year 2009-2010 : Got in a fight with mother in her car outside my apartment. She kept saying how I was her husband's favorite and he'd do anything for me. I responded with, Yeah I wonder why? She asked me what I meant by that, so I tried to tell her again about the abuse. Her response was that I was lying and I was only saying that to ruin Christmas because I couldn't afford gifts for everyone with the job I had. Meanwhile it is only July at this time. It was also during this time that we were trying to get pregnant again and spent all of my savings going to fertility doctors, only for my husband to tell me he wasnt interesded in having sexual relations with me anymore. I stayed because I was still broken.
2015 : Passenger of a head on collision, decided I don't want kids anymore for multiple reasons.
2018 : Rainbow Baby.
2020 : I start having really bad dreams again about "the one", I hadn't talked to him in 9-10 years. He was thriving the last time I checked on him in 2015, recently married with two little girls so I stopped checking his facebook because I figured I had done the right thing and he was happy. I over time realized my dreams show me things, especially with him. After about a week or two of these dreams and causing me to miss sleep and have horrible migraines every day I reached out to him, with my husband's knowledge. He told me how the two little girls were his wifes from a previous boyfriend and he adopted them. He became a sous chef, traveled all over the states, experienced so much and even joined the military. To me all of his positives were worth all of the horrible things I went though. I was so happy when he was telling me all of this, he even had a daughter himself about a year older than mine. His military career was cut short as he was in a horrible car accident too, T-boned on his side he was also a passenger. Two years after his little one was born his wife cheated on him with her ex. She told him that she was doing sexy photoshoots for him and it was probably for him in the beginning. He was fine with it as long as she was never nude. Then the Ex over time started posting the photos online of her nude for his photo business, after being confronted she admitted the affair. He moved out. Shortly after he got in a little trouble and was working through it. He also had admitted to trying to take his own life during that timeframe because of his ex telling him all kinds of horrible things. I told him I would love to be there for him if he needed someone to talk to. Within a month we started hanging out again, shortly after he was given the divorce papers from his ex. He knew it was coming but it still hurt, it had been almost a year. His ex would also keep his daughter from him, he Hadn't seen her only a hand full of times in the very beginning, if that. His ex and her mother would continually harass him and try to dirty his reputation. Posting things online about him how he ignored his daughter and didn't want anything to do with her. The mother would text him and down talk him calling him names and so on. I told him to block everyones number except the ex he doesn't have to communicate with anyone but her because of his daughter.
2021 : This is where I get judged, I am I guess what is called poly, but only with this person ever. The tree of us knew each other in high school, my husband and the one knew each other before I met them. I had a brief relationship with both of them until I pushed the one away. In September the one asked me to be his again, that he loved me still and he had been separated long enough that he felt he was ready to try again, he didn't want to rush things between us. Note the three of us had been hanging out and doing things together all ready for some time. After it was official I started spending the weekends with him and the week days with my husband, so I could care for our daughter when he was working. October I got Covid after going to a dentist, spent time in the hospital, 2-3 weeks I couldnt spend with anyone because I was so sick. After I got better things were perfect for the first time in my entire life. I was like finally after all the shit that was dealt to me.... I'm happy, we were all happy, we were a family that was compleat. We planned and started getting things in motion to move out. My grandparents were going to allow us to move into their old apartment to get away from my mother's husband. He had been living in georgia and decided to move back in with my mother after I had my daughter, they live next door to us. Everything was going to plan, I had half of our apartment packed up and called to ask my grandmother when we could start moving boxes over. She told me she would let me know call back tomorrow. I did, she said sorry Im not going to let you move in I am going to sell the house. Her son still lived in the upstairs apartment at this time, and he still does. She never sold the house. Despite this we all kept our head up and planned on saving to get a down payment and planned in the summer of 2022 to find a home for our family. Everything was perfect, it was just a setback.
December 2021 - January 2022 : We had our first family Christmas and New Year together. It was perfect!
January 9, 2022 : I told the one that he was to relax and allow me to take care of everything that day/night. I cleaned the apartment and had already gone and bought everything I needed to cook dinner for everyone. Sundays we would all get together and hang out, not just our family but a couple friends too. They, all guys, played cards and talked and laughed. I cooked and served dinner, cleaned up after getting everything put back. The weather was a little bad that night and it made my anxiety go up, my accident was in winter. after everyone left but out little family my husband decided to take our daughter to get dessert because he wanted to give me and the one more time together, he then snuck a photo of me and the one, its the only recent photo I have of us and it's horrible and grainy because he didn't want to let us know he was taking it. He later told me he didn't know why he took it, something told him to take it. I had voiced how the weather was making me panic, my husband went and started the car and I was assured that it wasn't bad out so they left. When it was time to leave something inside was screaming at me to stay the night. I wish I had, but I was told that the one had made plans with his friend for the following weekdays, he was having a major surgery and was going to be the one to help him once he was back home. It was only going to be 3 days but because the surgery was either Monday night or Tuesday morning it was Wednesday - Friday he wouldn't be home. It was at this time he decided that he wanted to give me a key to the apartment, the next step. Yes we all planned on moving out this summer together but this was still a big step really. I did go home, again I wish I had stayed. We texted and he said it was the most perfect weekend and that that night was beyond perfect. He hadn't been this happy in such a long time. We both agreed with each other, and talked normal the next couple days.
January 11, 2022 : I wanted to go over to the apartment before getting ready for bed, like just after dinner. I wanted to put the bedroom TV on as the one always slept with the TV on. I wanted it to appear that he was home as he has had some issues in the past. I don't drive because I get panic attacks since my car accident. My husband said no it was too cold he didn't want to take our daughter out. I asked a few more times but finally gave up. Went to bed as normal everything was normal. I woke up around 4am crying and screaming, I had a nightmare. Not like my PTSD nightmares from the abuse. This one started normal I was walking upstairs to the ones apartment and I let myself in and the apartment was empty, only a box with a note on it that read "I'm Sorry" The box had all of my and my daughters things in it. thats when I woke up.
January 12, 2022 : This was the day that I figured he would be busy and unable to answer his phone much, plus when ever he was with his friends working on cars or anything I didn't bother him much so it wasn't not normal to go most of the day without talking. I kept trying to get my husband to take me over, unfortunately we were having a bad winter storm that week so he said no again. Had the same nightmare only this time on top of the box was my favorite flower in his favorite color.
January 13, 2022 : Tried to get my husband to take me again, answer was still no. I had started to get nervous by now as I still hadn't heard anything back yet from the one. I started to ask around our friends last time anyone heard from him was Monday night when they were playing games online together. Again this wasn't not normal as they are guys and they weren't the type to talk to one another all the time. My husband told me if I didn't hear anything by Friday after he got off work he would take me over. No nightmare.
January 14, 2022 : I was in good spirits, I was going over today regardless of weather. I remember listening to music and dancing with my daughter before I went over. I got there and in the pit of my stomach I was scared because of the nightmares, but I pushed it off and went upstairs. My husband waited in the car outside, I was unsure if I was going to stay there alone but if the one was home I would stay so he wanted to wait. I climbed the stairs and saw paint chunks on them, it was the floor below his, I remember thinking " wow the neighbors should clean their stairs". I turned the corner to the last like 6 steps to head up to the apartment. The door was open, it's never open. The door isn't just opened it was kicked in. I ran up the last few steps, I pushed the door open the rest of the way with my elbow and covered my hand with my hoody to flick the hall light one as I called out his name. I then saw that his TV and Computer were gone, and then my eyes drifted down and I saw all the blood. It had looked like someone kicked the door in and hurt themselves and stole a bunch of stuff. Scared a called out his name again but was met with silence and darkness beyond the hall. I had all ready started to call my husband so I could warn him and tell him I was calling 911, he didn't pick up. I still wasn't full blown panicked, I was just not.... thinking the worst. It was only a few months prior that he had someone just walk into his apartment when he was home in the livingroom. I figured the person was waiting until he knew he wasn't home to go back and rob him. On the phone with 911 and told them everything, that it looks like someone broke in and hurt themselves and robbed the place. They asked about the one and if it could be him and I said no hes with a friend. They said they had to ask basic questions and kept me talking a bit before asking if I felt safe enough to hang up, I had said no one seemed to be in the apartment but I hadn't gone in past the start of the hall, police were on their way about a block or two away. I said I would go wait outside just incase, once I got outside I saw the police pulling in and the hung up the phone with me. The cop asked me what happened, and then asked about the door being open again. by now my husband was out of the car trying to find out what was going on. I remember the cop asking who my husband was and was anyone else in the car, just my daughter. He asked me multiple times to sit in the car, I kept saying no we have to go back in I can help say what got stolen. after the third time of me saying no I don't want to panic my daughter with my anxiety. The cop very plainly looked at me and said, "I don't know how to tell you this but the one took his own life early Wednesday morning. I'm sorry." I thought when people fell over in movies was just an act, it's not.
A lot of my time after this was spent trying to figure out what happened, and it was his ex and his mother and sister that came and took things. The ex I guess didn't care and was walking on top of the blood just taking anything she could. Complaining about how he had the nerve to be in a relationship with someone that has a kid because she went through the garbage and found one of my daughters diapers. He hadn't spoken to his mother or sister since shortly after he got married, the ex didn't like them. Hell neither of them have ever seen/met his daughter. The ex was taking everything not pinned down including a bunch of my daughters things as well as my things and a few things of our friends. She even took my inhaler that was in the bathroom closet so it was out of reach of my daughter, and brought up the inhaler to his mom and sister. At this point I cut losses of never getting our things back, hell she even took photos of my daughter. I knew he had a court appointment coming up about the divorce and the kids. They were meant to have joint custody but she wouldn't let him see the kids. She slipped I think when she was ranting and taking things to his mom and sister earlier that day, that the one was going to jail for a long time because he hasn't paid any child support. We think her and her mom were harassing him again and threatening him with this, and it wasn't true. It was at this hearing he planned on telling her she could have it all, the house the cars everything she wanted ... child support alimony.... he just wanted to be done dealing with her and wanted to see his daughter. Also the two years they were seperated her father I think it was did their taxes so the one agreed to still file jointly to make it easier for her and the kids, he just basked her to deposit his part in his bank. She never did, and can you guess what she also kept? Thats right the stimulus checks from the government went into their joint account and she kept it all. but she still felt he owed her everything, and he was just tired and was going to give it all to her.
I know you may be asking about the friend and the surgery, it was to happen like everything was planned but last second the doctor canceled because of Covid. So instead the friend took him to get a huge bottle of Orange whiskey and dropped him off. The one was a recovering alcoholic, he hadn't drank for a little over a half year. He was really proud he had come a long way. With 3/4th of the bottle missing, I have come to terms that it was a drunken mistake, as his ex would always say things like "you're no good. you're just like your father a low life, everyone would be better off without you." The neighbor was the one to call 911 that morning when he was screaming and pleading saying he didn't want to die that it was a mistake that he would pay whatever anyone wanted he'd give all his money just to please save him.... 11 minuets before EMT and fire department to get there to break the door down, it was too late.
This man protected others before himself his entire life, even when he was a kid. He didn't deserve any of what his ex and her family did to him. She not only broke him, but broke me, my husband and our daughter. I am still unable to function, everything is just existing.
I never got to see him before his ex signed the papers to have him cremated, so I didn't get to say goodbye for closure. My husband went back and forth trying to get some of our things back, she wanted proof, recites of purchase. Impossible for everything as a large chunk were games and cards from when we were kids. He got a few things back but none of it really matters, we can't get him back. Because everything happened so fast there wasn't a service so we arranged a memorial for friends to come together and share stories. it was the first time I had seen his mom since we were kids, she was really sick with lung issues, the sister had come up two times before that. There were enough people there that I wasn't being watched 100%, my husband had been watching me like a hawk and still is. Everyone kept asking if I wanted a drink that they were going down to get one. I hadn't eaten much of anything since it happened and had lost at that time probably 20 lbs in only a couple weeks. That particular day I hadn't eaten at all, so after a minimum for 5 Apple Whiskeys, they didn't have orange, I blacked out. It's the first time thats ever happened, let alone I hadn't touched alcohol in over 2 years. When it was just me, my mother and sister, husband and daughter left they came to wake me up to leave after cleaning. I got sick, I was pissed, I was there in the room but the one was there with me and we were just swaying back and forth while he held me. When I came to reality crashed down and it crashed hard, I took a small knife out of my jacket that they had just put on me and I went to, well you know. My husband saw the lid to the knife hit the floor, it was a hidden one in a fake lipstick, he yelled out get that from her. My mother and sister had no clue and said it was just chapstick or something, he called out no it's not. Needless to say I spent the night in the hospital under suicide watch.
I spend my days in a fog, my nights in pain. I have to keep a strong face because the first month or two my daughter was feeding off me and started to regress and clam up. So much so she held her hands in fists and wouldn't undo them unless she was sleeping.
But now you know why I now know that the bad guys always win. The ex got everything she wanted and so much more, in the end she won and got away with everything.
Friday, May 6, 2022
The blank screen staring back at me haunts me. No sounds were heard anywhere around me all there is, is that screen still empty. Nervously I type out a message, and quickly delete it. Setting the phone down my hands shaking not knowing what to say.
"Hey.", no that's stupid.
"How's the weather there?", really?
I honestly have no idea what I'm doing, not sure where to begin now. Some way somehow I have to figure something out. I mean really, what do I have to loose?
"Okay I'm just going to be straight with you.
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