I feel like I am dieing. literally.
I have so much pain in my body, physical and emotional.
I just feel like my brain is telling my body to shut down.
One day at a time.
I have lost the will to live.
There is no purpose in life...

I keep getting all these sharp pains inside my body all over...
I keep getting loud ringing noises that last for so long.
Sharp pain in my head too.

I can't get rid of the feeling of being sick, vomiting.
I keep feeling my body bring itself right to where it is going to let loose, and I stop it.

Is it really worth it in the end?
Knowing that your loved ones could easily move on, be happy again.
Have a chance...

Sometimes I try to think of how things would be if I wasn't here.
If one day I was just gone.

I have always had this issue... even back in school.

When it was my friends back in Jr. High my boyfriends would complain about doing everything together but yet he would adopt my friends....

In High School, due to the guy I was with I lost all of my friends and so his friends became my friends. However he too would complain that we did everything together.

When we broke up the friends stayed his friends and I had to start over, I had nothing. So I inserted myself in with a few people and became friends with them. One of those people ended up becoming my husband. And though the friends we used to hang out with we really don't anymore due to you just grow up and change interests. A few people we used to hang out with are still our friends and we have met a few along the way.

I'm not a normal girl, I don't like girly things. I would rather play video games and table top games and just hang out doing stupid shit. I Hate gossip, not really into doing nails or my hair or drinking fruity wine. I don't like the normal girl shit.

So it is hard to become friends with people because I don't get along with girls and normally when it is a guy they just keep hitting on me. My husband on the other hand can go to work and be friends with mostly girls that I know he flirts with, he's not dead. But I just don't like it when guys flirt with me. The only guy that matters is my husband and he really doesn't flirt with me anymore.

But anyways to make this point now, I just find it odd that he complains that we do everything together. I am really at a stand still and have no clue what to do.

He knew I was interested in the paranormal, so he introduced me to a few work friends. He had no intention on staying part of the group but now hes all gung-ho about it. I asked him to come to a few meetings because it was an all male group and I didn't know anyone... Three days a week we get together with out friends to play games.

What am I supposed to do?

I mean he goes to work and then comes home... of course we spend a lot of time together... we live together. Am I supposed to lock myself away until night time and then come out to ready for bed and go to sleep? Even before in our old apartment I would stay in the bedroom and him in the living room and once in a while he would say the same thing. "We do everything together."

I'm Lost.

I've decided to just stay in the bedroom now... let him have run of the house for a while. When he wants to see me or so something with me he can make the move. I am okay with that for now. It may work this time and give him the space he needs, before out bedroom was off the living room, now there is a room between so its like I am home alone, or the other way around.

Here is to hopeing this may help him with whatever he needs.

I don't know everything going on ...  I don't like to read about the news or watch it... I have enough bad in my life I don't need more. 

What bothers me... 

As of October 1st so many family's will be without a job, yes my home will be in the same predicament and this is why I know this. 

I am ill and my husband has let me take some time away from work to try and fix myself. I have been let go of every job but one, that I walked out on because they aided in my miscarriage by not allowing me to leave work when I started spotting. I was told it was stay for the last 2 hours of my job and keep my job or leave and loose my job. Even though they knew I was pregnant and that I had started spotting. I was young and didn't know what to do, at the time all I could think of was if I loose this job how will I be able to provide for my child.

Any who...

So my home has one income, and because of Obama that one income helping us get by and helping pay for my doctors for me to try and get better will be taken from us yet again. 

All I have to say is... Obama/Government you took over half of our paycheck when you made them all go on furlough and we were barely living. You make me sick you are now threatening to take not just half but all of the paycheck this time because of rushed ideas that people are trying to stop before it ruins our country.

So many other family's will be going though this, I can't believe this is happening again. I couldn't go to doctors, we bought food and went without everything else, and by food I mean pasta because it is cheep. 

Tonight was the start of this blog, I have done it a few times before and it just fell apart. 

I am in my normal insomnia kick, I hate it. 

It's worse compared to normal as I am seeing the movements again, I keep seeing movement like bugs crawling. To make things worse I feel like things are crawling on me too. 

All of September, just to top off the fact I hate this month, I have had Aunt Flow visiting. Yes I have issues with Aunt Flow, and no I am not exaggerating I have had her visiting ALL MONTH!!!! The pain and unable to move is killing me, I wish there were a way to just make all this go away.

On top of that I have been house sitting since Friday, I am missing my home and my cat. 

I cant wait until September is over! This month sucks!