I know I touched on my childhood in videos, I haven't gone back to watch them again so I wont talk about it just yet. I know the youtube one is really just a super quick overall trying to cover all the bad by highlighting some good more so then the bad. The ones that are written and text to speech go a little more in detail covering some bad things. Then the videos of me walking to the Post is a bit more detailed.
I have been groomed and manipulated my entire life. I grew up much to quickly, not having much of a childhood at all. I grew up when at the time it was better to be seen and not heard. My mother only hit me once across the face, she saw I had a hickey at the age of 16 or 17. Meanwhile when my sister was that age she was allowed to spend the night at her boyfriends all the time. However when we were younger, scratch that her entire childhood my sister was beat a lot. My father would really beat her bad. My mother would continue to beat her after he left, open hand slapping mostly but then she would also use a back scratcher to hit her sometimes. My moms excuse was that it was the only way to get my sister to listen, all that she would respond too. Witnessing the beatings my entire life was enough for me to learn quickly to not act like a child, keep quiet and don't cause issues. Listening and doing what my elders told me was drilled into my brain.
It is because of this that I became really good at mirroring, acting like the adults around me so I was seen as always the good kid. The first born is really the one that parents tend to make their mistakes with, and my sister got a lot of freedom in comparison to me. I wasn't allowed to have friends call me until grade 6. That was the first time I can remember having someone call me, a friend called Savanah. In grade school I had a few friends and it was nice but I was also on the big side so I got picked on all the time. Even at home. The few friends I did have in grade school became part of the preppy groups as we got older, however I didn't. I didn't fit in anywhere. Between having a family that was split up and having such strict rules, not being able to hang out outside of school, I was left behind.
Honestly the only time I can recall that I could freely act like a child was when I was in school, it was the only place that I was free to be me. I remember being in grade school and there was a group of us that at recess we would all act like we were power rangers. Of course the two girls in the group got to be the pink and yellow ranger, the only girls back then. They were the prettier and better off family wise so the boys would take their side if they said they wanted to be them. I didn't mind, back then The Lion King was one of my favorite movies so I made my own ranger the Brown ranger and named her after Nala.
I can remember in kindergarten I had a little boy friend Mike B, he would hold my hand and kiss my cheek. Our parents thought it was cute. I have no idea where he ended up, I think they moved. I remember in grade 1 there was a boy that would hold my hand, his name was Brandon. He later in life became a jerk, the preppy I'm better then everyone type. Then the getting picked on non stop because of my weight started. It wasn't until grade 6 that I would catch the eye of another boy, Norris. He liked me for a while, in Jr High he went to a different school then me. When I went to High School he found me again randomly and tried to get me to be his girl. By then I was a different person and was more of a nerd then anything, Norris was more the bad boy type and I didn't want to get caught up in all that.
My first kinda real boyfriend was in grade 7, his name was Kevin. He was a friend of my friend. She found out I thought he was cute so at the first dance she pushed us to slow dance together and talk. Didn't last long like 2-3 months, my friend started to have feelings for him and kissed him so I just stopped talking to both of them.
In grade 9 was my next kinda boyfriend his name was Dan. He was older by a year or two, so my mom hated him. So that's why I say kinda boyfriend. We only saw each other in school and talked on the phone. I cant remember how long that lasted because everyone kept saying that he was sleeping with a girl name Lori.
More to come... Have to go do some stuff for a bit...
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